At some point or another, we have all struggled with people-pleasing. After all, as social creatures, we are prone to peer pressure and the desire to fit in. But there is a big difference between the desire for acceptance and people-pleasing. People-pleasing is not just a once-in-a-while thing: it’s a daily struggle.
I am a recovering people pleaser. In my universe Up until recently, people pleasing was about being liked, feel loved or feeling worthy.
My life used to revolve around making and keeping other people happy. I would worry that if they became the least bit upset with me, they wouldn’t like me anymore, or they would end our relationship and abandon me.
I worked so hard for so long at making others happy. I made plans, I organized gatherings, I remembered birthdays, anniversaries and other special moments.
Obviously there is nothing wrong with being nice. But having the neurotic desire to be nice at all times is dangerous for a number of reasons.
- You suppress A LOT of emotions
- Extreme pressure to “keep up”with your image of being nice.
- People Use YOU
- You have the intense need to be in control (At first, people-pleasing might come across as a selfless act. But people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.
In fact, people-pleasing is more about the desire to be in control than it is to please other people. Wanting to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless. This is why people-pleasing is so exhausting — it goes against the flow of life, and takes so much effort to maintain.)
- No one really knows the “true” you : When you’re a people-pleaser no one really knows the “true” and authentic you — they only know the facade that you present them with. Unfortunately, this desire to be loved and approved often backfires, making you feel more lonely and disconnected as time goes on. Eventually, you wind up feeling “invisible” and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.
PONDER
Take a moment to get in touch with your self, why do you people please? Is it to feel loved? Is it to feel worthy? Is it to avoid conflict?
People pleasing allows you to attract manipulative relationships.
People pleasing will never allow you to truly love yourself.
What if you Acknowledged that Every single person may Not Love You that Is completely OK?
Pleasers are also healers and feel a natural inclination to help and assist others.
Well in That Case, it is fine to assist and be “of service” to others but we must be aware that when you start to suffer, when you start to feel drained or compromised, that is when you need to pull back. Make a different choice.
I am a recovering people pleaser. My life used to revolve around making and keeping other people happy. I would worry that if they became the least bit upset with me, they wouldn’t like me anymore, or they would end our relationship and abandon me.
I worked so hard for so long at making others happy. I made plans, I organized gatherings, I remembered birthdays, anniversaries and other special moments.
The Problem With People Pleasing
The problem with people pleasing is that eventually you burn out. More and more you start to notice that you don’t get back nearly as much as you give, if you get anything back at all. And even if someone were to give back, you likely have difficulty accepting help or receiving from others. And while you tell yourself you love to make others happy and that is enough, there is inevitably a part of you that’s giving in order to get something in return – whether that’s love, approval, acceptance, gifts, or kind words.
After a while, you start to become bitter and resentful: “I’m doing everything for everyone else, and no one is taking care of me!” Exhaustion soon follows.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
As someone who has struggled with a people-pleasing personality I know how self-destructive this trait can be.
But the first step to overcoming this problem is to shift your focal point from the outside world, to the inside world. Eventually, with time and practice you will be able to make different choice that is a true Kindness to you and other everyone.
If you’ve decided that you’ve had enough being a pushover and a doormat, then it’s time to get to work to go ahead and change that.
It’s not quite as easy as just saying “I’m going to change that,” though.
Indeed, if you want to stop being a people pleaser then you have a long journey to go through – and step one is preparing yourself for that fact.
Once you’re ready to accept that you must change, you start by making newer choices and taking baby steps in that directions.
CHOOSE TO BE YOU. THE WORLD WILL ADJUST